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Rockin' The COVID-19 Look... (PG-13)

Updated: Nov 22, 2020

April 18, 2020 Day 18 of the stay at home order Whether you were a restaurant employee, business owner, or just an extremely social millennial, most people were pretty much freaked out by the stay at home order. Me on the other hand, not so much. I didn’t have much of a social life before the villain virus came center stage. (Thanks China!) Other than frequenting the Costco enough to deserve my own checkout lane, I mostly stayed at home anyway. My husband and I go out to dinner a couple of times a month and if we are really feeling frisky, a movie every three. Our evenings are spent reading and watching movies or Walter White being a dickhead. (Want to hang? Take a number!) My lockdown, “To Do” list was long and impressive. My husband’s, even longer. From deep spring cleaning our house and pressure washing every outside inch, (mine) to new pantry shelves and window washing, (his). As of day 18, the vacuum hose lays dormant in the dining room for close to as many days and my husband has finished 5 books. This is the couple who is always doing something. We may be boring, but my other half works 6 days a week...always. His day of rest consists of weed whacking, cleaning out a vehicle, or hopping down to the office to send a forgotten email which will only take a second, returning 3 hours later. So, I guess that’s 7 days a week. My life consists of endless boring daily chores and an occasional trip to the office to enjoy the excitement of filing. Workouts take up a couple of hours as well. My motivation? Keeping out of the pantry and my love of chardonnay. Our TV is never on before 8:00 p.m. There isn’t a lot of grass growing under our ass. So, what the hell happened to us? This team of getting “it” done. Is there a Covid-19 2.0 where it turns hardworking people into slugs? Are the symptoms laziness followed by downright apathy? The need for alcohol striking ever earlier and wearing sweats 24/7 which if you were honest are really pajamas but calling them sweats makes you feel better, kind of like acetaminophen. Damn, I think I may have it. By the time this whole stay at home business is over and we all emerge, I fear a population of shaggy half colored/gray-haired, 400 pound alcoholics will have taken over the earth. We will all be rockin’ the Covid-19 look. Soup lines be damned, we will all be standing in line at salons, pushing and shoving like a bridezilla reality show, taking numbers and begging the person in front of us to switch because we are so much more hideous than they, have mercy. Scary looks, massive amounts of empty wine bottles, and unachieved goals aside; if there is one lesson we can all hope for out of this, it’s that when virus shit hits the fan again...and it will, the college aged kids will not mis-interpret the meaning of social distancing with getting together in groups of 10 to a bazillion, sharing boozy drinks and bongs. Fat fingers crossed.

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